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on mothers…

May 11, 2012

since mother’s day is right around the corner, i wanted to write today about being a mother, having a mother, and being inspired as a mother.  all those things have sort of interwoven themselves into one another, for me, and i guess that should not be a surprise.  in the last fifteen months as a mother i have learned so many things (most of all, i have learned i have SO much more to learn).  one of those things i have gleaned is that i spend a lot more time thinking back to instances when my own mother would say to me, “you’ll understand once you have kids,” or “once you’re a mother…”.  it all seemed so far away– being a mother, and now, well… here we are.  i am a mom.  and i think i am starting to really “get” it.

when i think about what i want for harper as she grows older, i guess my list is pretty small, really.  i’m her mom and i want the basic things for her– i want her to be happy, and healthy, and to genuinely enjoy her life.  i want her to be passionate and kind and open-minded.  i want her to laugh a lot, and read a lot, and play a lot, and see the world in her own unique way.  i want her to thrive.  if i could really sum up what my ultimate goal is, though, as a mother, it would be for her to know that i am here.  that is simply it– i was there; i am here; i will be (right t)here.  when i am old and grey-haired, if i can look back at my life and know that my child knows that i am present (as much or as little as she needs), i will know i was a success at this whole motherhood thing.

my mother and i have had our arguments over the years, as all mothers and their children are wont to do.  and what i am noticing, looking back, is that all those little arguments were tiny power struggles.  her setting boundaries; me pushing right up against them.  the letting-go of a child; the growing into an adult.  the precise balance of that relationship between all of those sides.  i realize now, more than ever, that i admire my mother because she is (and was) always there for me.  that no matter what: if i was sick, she would lose sleep to cater to me; if i had homework, she would help me; if i wanted to talk, she would listen.  she was simply… there.  and that is incredible.  and that is inspiring.

it is one of the most amazing feelings, i think, to know that you can count on someone to be there for you, unconditionally.  and i think that it is important for a mother to lay down that groundwork of being around; being accountable.  i want harper to look at me every day of her life and know that i Love her.  i want her to know that i am wherever she needs me… i will go to her cries if she is teething; i will answer the phone someday when she calls to just say, “hello.”  i will be, and have always been the person that is watching (out for) her from afar and i will be, and have always been the person rooting for her, regardless of our own intricate game of mother-daughter tug-of-war.

**this post is dedicated to my grandmother (“granny sara”)… surely you taught my mom all the good things she taught me.  i can be sure of it, because i do not know who else in the world would answer my west coast phone calls placed when i got off work at 1 a.m. (and it was always three hours later here in indiana).  you have taught me a million things in my lifetime, but again, the most important one to me, is that you, too, are always there.  happy mother’s day, granny.  i Love you.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. evie permalink
    May 11, 2012 12:32 pm

    Love it Lydia! Happy Mothers Day to you my sweet friend!! ❤

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