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on the things for which i am not sorry…

April 13, 2012

lately i have been thinking a lot about how defensive i can be about my opinions, my life choices, my… well, everything.  and aside from having always been the kind of person who takes things personally, i feel like, in part, the internet is to blame.  each day i read articles and blogs and check in on facebook.  and each day i see people commenting on said articles, blog posts, and status updates with cruelty.  don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of people that make kind comments and respond with empathy and understanding, but there are also people who enjoy disagreeing and stirring up harsh feelings– people looking to start fights; people looking to bully.  i read all of those articles and blogs and facebook comments and i get defensive.  i get defensive even when those things aren’t written about me, personally.  i get defensive because i identify, in part, with something the author has said and then they are getting bashed for sharing their opinion.  i get defensive because i feel like everyone, everywhere, is always judging– is always looking to turn opinions into arguments into full-blown internet battles.  i get defensive, because i feel like people wouldn’t have the guts in reality to actually say those mean things, but behind the computer screen there is a special wall that gives them super-human strength to be hateful and rude.  i get defensive because the collective “they” are out to get people that feel certain ways about certain topics and sometimes i am passionate about those same things– and “they” are out to get me.  and boy, do i get defensive.

unfortunately, i think that all carries over into my non-internet life.  i find myself in day-to-day activities wondering if the woman behind me in line at the grocery store is talking shit about me to her husband, or if the receptionist in the waiting room is talking with her fellow employees about something i said or did “wrong.”  i am defensive because i have become paranoid.  the internet has taken my obsessive-compulsive nature and overblown it.  the internet makes me think everyone, everywhere, is talking about me, and then going home to post on message boards about how they saw a kooky woman doing the most crazy thing and “oh my goodness– can you believe it??”  i am defensive because i am convinced that everyone is looking to find fault in me, and everyone else they encounter, instead of focusing on themselves.  i am defensive because i don’t think my opinions are dumb and i don’t think the ways i do things are incorrect and i don’t feel like i should worry about what other people think– but i do.  i find myself sometimes defensive with my friends or family, the people i know care most about me, because i worry that they, too, like the internet “they” are waiting for me to screw up.  like they are waiting to find fault in something i do just to laugh about it later and feel high and mighty.  and i know when i really think of it, that isn’t the case, but man oh man, does the internet make me paranoid.  and defensive.  and insecure.  and boy, is that dumb.

so, today, i want to write out some of my feelings and opinions for which i am not sorry.  some pieces of me that i refuse to apologize for, because i am tired of keeping these feelings in and i really just do not care who agrees and who doesn’t.  i am defensive.  and i am, surely, not a perfect person, but i am opinionated and i am passionate and i am going to say some things here (that i would also gladly say to your face)… so, whatever, readers– talk about me if you must, judge me or hate-comment away, because i am saying these things.  and i am: JUST. NOT. SORRY.

*i don’t care about pinterest.  i think it’s dumb you have to be “invited” to join and i think it is a huge time suck.  i don’t need to feel like i am not a member of yet another super special club.  how many of those “projects” are most of you really getting to, anyway?  i am rolling my eyes at another bandwagon to jump on.  i am over it.  as well as twitter.  to me, wastes of time… i already waste to much time on facebook (and so do you) so i don’t need something else to steal away the minutes from my day.

*and since i brought up facebook… come on now, people, i really do not need to read every second of your personal lives.  i Love facebook because i can keep in touch with people i know and see what is going on in their lives.  i Love to see photos of you and your kids and hearing about your successes.  i Love facebook because i feel the connection to a lot of people and their life experiences, but i don’t need to know every time you change a poopy diaper, or make a meal, or constant whining about your terrible, terrible ailments.  if you change your status update as often as you blink your eyes, i really am not interested, and i really think you need to find something better to do with your time.

*i am SO tired of hearing people talk about how they “need to move out of this town” or that town or wherever they are.  sorry it sucks so much to live where you do.  if you want to move, then move.  but let me tell you, i have moved many times in my life, for many different reasons, and i have learned that if you are discontent or you have problems, those things follow you from one geographic location to the next.  so, quit your bitching and move.  or, in fact, change your attitude– if you are unhappy, i assure you it is not the place you are living that is the problem.  it’s you.

*i do not give one shit how you think i am raising my child.  and i honestly could care less how you raise yours.  mothers that are mean to one another are such a waste of time.  motherhood is something to be embraced and we should embrace one another.  everyone has a different way of doing things, but when it comes down to it, i think every mother wants to do what is right by her child.  in the end, we all just want to raise great kids who are kind and Loved, right?  well, hater moms, start early teaching your sons and daughters that parenting (as well as everything else we do as humans, honestly) doesn’t have right and wrong ways… just different ways.  what works for one child might not work for another.  everyone is different and everyone (child, parent, EVERYONE) should celebrate our individuality and encourage it.

*the definition of “unique” is not what everyone else is doing.  “everybody else is doing it” doesn’t work, in my opinion, it just makes you spend too much time trying for an outcome of you looking like an idiot.  do whatever feels good to you.  period.

*i think those stupid boots every girl in the world is wearing are ugly.  yes, uggs, i am talking about you.

*i honestly believe that nine out of ten times that people hide behind things they are “supposed” to say.  just be honest.  when you say, for example, “i am doing this for my kids,” the outcome should reflect just that.  if you mean something else, like, “i’m doing this because i want to,” or “i am doing this because i am selfish and it feels good,” then say that.  i will respect you more and will find it much more appropriate.  nobody likes a liar.

*i believe, if asked a question, i should give an honest answer, and i would expect the people around me to be kind enough to be honest with me.  i am far too old to tippy-toe around, feeling like i shouldn’t ever hurt your feelings.  i don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, i just want to feel as though i can be genuine and that those people whom i care about will, in return, be genuine to me.

*honestly, i sometimes feel a little bit sorry for not feeling sorry.  (i don’t think anyone is perfect; especially not myself… try not to fault me for that.)

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