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on defining "important"…

February 24, 2012

last week a friend of mine stated, “i have time for everything that is important to me.”  granted, that statement was made on facebook, but it really got me thinking about how exactly that statement applies to me.  i think i have decided that the aforementioned is simply not true for me.  i don’t know if that means i have too many things on a daily basis that are important to me and i cannot get to them all.  or maybe it implies that i am no good at prioritizing.  or, it  might even mean that my perception of “important” varies widely from all of my friends’ definitions of “important.”  i am not fully sure i know what the statement means for me or about me, but what i do know is i have a lot of things i have been wanting to say to my friends.  and i thought i might use this space this week to write a letter to those people and let them know how i feel about life right now– and how i feel about my life in relation to them.

for the people that hold my heart in this world, my friends:

i haven’t seen you in a while.  please understand that, it’s not you, it’s me.  i fully admit, it’s me.  i need you to know that it isn’t your fault.  and it does not mean that i don’t Love you.  in fact, i think of you all at least once a day… more often than not, it is many, many more times each day than just once.  you are with me in every single second.  there are times that i cannot come to parties, because it’s too late, or my baby is sick, or jason’s father is in the hospital.  i am sorry.  you truly have no idea how much guilt i feel when i have to break plans with you– no matter how big or small.  some days i wish my life were just like it used to be and i could go anywhere, at anytime, on a whim.  that just isn’t the case anymore, and i apologize.  it doesn’t mean you are less of a friend.  it does not mean you are not important to me.  i get worried that if i don’t show up to wherever you have invited me that you won’t invite me again and that scares me and makes me sad.  i want to be part of your lives.  i want you all to be part of my life.  i worry that when i am not there you speculate why or talk with one another about how i must just not want to be there.  and that just isn’t true.  i worry that you might think i should just tote my baby along everywhere and show up because i was invited.  but, i just don’t do things that way, and i am sorry if you disagree with that.  i guess mostly i just want to feel included still and imagine i am still your friend even if we haven’t seen another in a while.  i want you to know that my heart breaks when i have to turn down an invitation or break a date with you.  maybe i do really only have time for what is important to me and you feel like if i don’t choose your event, then you must not be important in my life.  and that is just not the case.  i Love you all so much, and i hate to say it, but none of you have children.  and the balancing acts i feel like i contend with in my life on a daily basis are something you might not completely understand.  sometimes i feel sad because i think you must feel like i am constantly choosing my family before socializing over dinners or conversing over a few drinks at a bar.  i hope that you don’t believe that… it is just that my family is very important and i don’t feel ashamed to say that.  i Love to socialize with all of you, but i don’t have lots of spare cash to go out, or lots of spare time to lavish on others right now.  it is just the way it is and i really cannot change that.  that does not mean, either, that i believe your lives should stop revolving just because i am unable to be present.  i know that just because i cannot be there it doesn’t mean the party won’t go on.  i accept that it will.  but, i definitely still want to feel included.  i want to show up when i can.  just because i am a mother now doesn’t mean that i don’t want to be part of your lives.  it also means there will be lots of times, for whatever reason, that i can’t make it.  but, you all are important… i want to help you move into new homes, and see you get married, and celebrate birthdays, and laugh over cocktails.  i want you to invite me and i want our friendships to flourish.  i know there are lots of days i am just not very good at being a friend right now.  and i am sorry.  it doesn’t mean you are any less important to me.  it simply means that i have this little girl now, and i am most important to her, so i have to be here first, and i won’t apologize for that.  i hope that you can understand how i feel.  and i hope i haven’t hurt your feelings.  i know i am at fault here and i will try to balance things better.  but, it’s difficult, and i hope you can understand that, too.  i hope you can know that i do value your friendships and i do value the time i am able to spend with you.  i hope, mostly, that you don’t feel unimportant in my life, because that couldn’t be further from the truth.  this is just how i spend most days now– not hanging out with adults, hanging out with my baby, because… well, honestly, she needs me more than you do; she depends on me to change her, and feed her, and bathe her.  and that is a huge responsibility.  and it can be exhausting.  but, it is really rewarding and a lot of fun.  and it doesn’t mean you are less important to me than you were, it just means i have to be here for her because i am her mother.  and for me, that has to come first.  i can’t apologize for that.  i hope you can understand.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. February 24, 2012 6:00 pm

    What a great momma! Love and miss you Lydia, your friends surely understand. And if not, they aren’t your true friends. You and I=true friends after all these years. Can’t wait until the day that we’re “in person” friends again, but the Internet is pretty cool for keeping the spark of friendship alive until that day. 🙂

  2. James GIllie permalink
    February 25, 2012 1:42 am

    I know you are my friend and I look forward to seeing you soon. You are great mom. A wonderful person. And an awesome lady.
    Love you lots!

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