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on finding footholds…

February 10, 2012

i have been an anxious person for as long as i can remember.  my mother would be able to tell you stories from my childhood wherein i totally freak out upon returning from kindergarten and recognizing my toys were “out of place” on their designated shelves.  i think those stories accurately depict the obsessiveness i have always harbored and the ill-at-ease feelings i get even to this day when things in my life seem awry.  i thought as i grew older these feelings would subside, but instead, they have multiplied with my years and i find myself some days lost in an abyss of insecurity– my tummy tied in knots at even the slightest object out of place; my mind racing, trying to constantly gauge if i am saying the “right” thing or doing the “right” thing.  i imagine i am always being judged.  and whomever is doing the judging will say once i am gone, “she sure is doing it the wrong way.”  i thought as i grew older i would grow more comfortable with myself and what i believe… it seems, though, i am still the five year old inside– checking and rechecking my most prized possessions to make sure that nothing is out of place.

the pressure i put upon myself is brutal.  i want people to like me.  i want people to think i am funny, and smart, and kind-hearted, and warm.  i want my family to be proud of me and my decisions and goals.  i want to be a good friend and a good sister.  i want to be an excellent partner to jason and an amazing mother to my daughter.  and it is hard.  it is really difficult to be all those things every single hour of the day.  sometimes i say mean things.  sometimes i am not funny.  sometimes i cancel plans with friends.  sometimes i raise my voice.  sometimes i cry.  i don’t know why it is i feel such pressure to please everyone, but it is there– that deep-seeded desire to do everything and be everything and sometimes i am just not whatever it is that whomever it is wants me to be.  i have an inability to ask for help because i fear people will see me as weak.  i also am unable to ask for help, because i am unable to let go of control in having it done in the way i prefer.  i feel, sometimes, that i am beyond a worrier; a creator of catastrophes; a martyr.  and therein, i find even more insecurity… i never want to be the person that creates conflict or makes others think i am feeling sorry of myself.  sometimes, i feel like even my feelings are not my own.

quite honestly, this is a difficult post to write.  i have problems admitting, even to myself, that i just cannot be everything to everyone.  i know that seems to be so easy for some people– to just wake up and make themselves happy; they don’t care what others might say about their lifestyle or choices or parenting techniques.  but that just isn’t the way it is for me.  in fact, admitting these things is difficult for me, because that means i am setting myself up for judgement.  but, i figure, i have this space to write each week and i want to spend the lines i fill up writing about things that matter to me.  and this is something that is on my mind.  and sometimes just writing about things gives me a new clarity.

i guess, then, i should use some of this post to do what i do when i feel overwhelmed– i should remind myself about what i know about myself and am without apology.  i am a good cook.  i especially Love to make soups and when i do, they are good.  i enjoy creating things.  i like to sew, and draw, and make things that make me happy.  i am incredibly loyal and would do anything at all for friends and family if they were to ask for my help.  i am fun and funny.  i enjoy laughter and Love enjoying myself in social situations, as well as at home with jason and harper.  i am not the best at everything, but i put my heart into everything i do.  i am nearing 32 years old and i do not have all the answers, but i wake up each day to look for them.  i am a good person.  i want to be an even better one.  mostly, i just want to look back at my life one day and feel like, no matter what anyone else said, i did it “right.”

i hope that at some point it does become more clear; that i become more comfortable with all my faults as well as my qualities.  i hope that i become less concerned with the outside influences and own every piece of who i am honestly.  i hope that i can learn to let more things go; give up control and feel okay with that.  i hope that day comes sooner than later.  i want to find a path for  myself on this daily climb and i want to feel secure and steady.  i know that reality doesn’t provide for continuous sunny days, but i hope they are plentiful.  i hope that i settle into newer roles in life as well as continue to flourish in those already intact.  i know i have to be succeeding (at least somewhat), because most days are incredibly, amazingly good.  but, even on the days that are hard and bleak, the ones that cause somersaults in my belly, i am inspired to find the light at the other end of the tunnel.  and this, i am sure of– my daughter is the one doing the inspiring (it seems she is the one illuminating all of the pinholes; she is the shimmer i am gravitating toward).

One Comment leave one →
  1. James GIllie permalink
    February 11, 2012 6:59 am

    You ARE amazing never forget that. Some times life doesn’t go our way no matter how hard we try. But, never fear you Love and are Loved. Hope to see you soon.

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