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on the year gone by…

January 27, 2012

when i found out i was pregnant in june of 2010, i began keeping a journal for my baby.  i address every entry to her as though i am writing her a letter and have since the day i began.  i also draw little scenes for her of what our family looks like to me; what she looks like to me.  it is like i am keeping a diary for her.  essentially, each month i write to and draw for her about her life through my eyes.  one day i will give this to her and hope that she can even begin to understand the effect she has had on my life.  she will be able to read about her milestones and my coming to terms with motherhood.  she will be able, in the future, to see what we are currently experiencing… at least, my recollection of these moments.  since she turned one year old yesterday, i thought i would share her birthday letter here…


today you are one year old.  that means that one year ago you were born.  that means that one year ago my life changed entirely.

i remember after a few days in the hospital with you how excited i was to just come home.  and then, we got here, and since then i have been expecting that someone will come for your return.  it is hard for me to believe that you are my child– that i get to keep you here with me and experience life with you.  i felt so awkward with you at first.  i didn’t really know how to talk to you and your dependence on me seemed scary and overwhelming.  in the past year that has been completely alleviated.  i feel like we communicate so often now and so easily.  unlike the first few weeks of your life, now i feel steady and accept how you need me.

this past year i have watched you learn and grow so much.  when i see you eat oatmeal at breakfast and drink milk out of your sippy cup, i am reminded that not long ago your nourishment came from my body and my breast.  when i see you walking and crawling and moving so fast, i am reminded of the time when you could barely lift your head on your own; i recall the first time you rolled over.  when i hear you say, “mama,” or, “no,” or “hi,” or even when i hear your laughter, i am reminded of the first time you opened your eyes, the first time you smiled, the first time you called out my name; i am reminded of so early on when your cries were your only means of expression.

and now, your cup is overflowing with personality and expression.  you are mischievous and Love to explore the world around you.  you are kind, and friendly, and affectionate.  you Love to laugh, and smile, and play.  you seem to be sensitive and sweet.  you are independent and enjoy spending time playing by yourself, yet you are social and enjoy spending time playing with others.  you can be feisty and demanding– you scrunch up your nose and narrow your eyes to let us know how serious you are.  you like to dance to music when you are upright, and if you are seated, you Love to kick your foot or clap your hands to the beat.  you like to be tickled and this sends you into tiny baby squeals and deep belly laughs that go on for minutes at a time.  you are amazing.  you are considerate.  you are a joy to be around.  i feel so honored to know you; for you to want to be around me.  i Love you so much more than i even knew i could, harper.  thank you, my beautiful butterfly, for the best year of my life so far.  i am so excited to see what next this next year will bring.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. evie permalink
    January 27, 2012 12:43 pm

    Love this Lydia!. I feel the love coming thru the page!!!! I have had trouble getting to this site recently, so I have missed a few weeks that I want to read when I have time to sit. I so enjoy your writing.
    I have Kylie here today, and reading your words about Harper’s milestones took me back a few years to her first milestone……And they just keep coming! Enjoy every minute as I know you will!
    Love you Lydia! And Harper! And Jason!

  2. Frances Ontiveros permalink
    January 27, 2012 12:55 pm

    It has been so much fun watching Harper grow throughout her first year. I have enjoyed her pictures and your accounts very much. Thank you for including me in your journey. fran

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